Please listen to this amazing song by M Ward. It is simply beautiful and in a strange way very humbling.
I played the song a moment ago and quickly realized why I chose to listen to it. I heard it in my dream last night.
Sadly, I cannot tell you what my dream was about, but I can tell you what I felt. I remember very clearly feeling an overwhelming rush of love and hope sweep over me. Letting me know that things are finally better. Truly they are.
I can see the colors in my world now.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been surrounding myself with the most amazing people I’ve met in a very long time. They all somehow seem to radiate everything it is that I need in my life. And I’ve been doing anything that my little heart desires. Right now, my world has fallen into place.
Everything feels right, ya know? And this song… damn. It makes life feel illuminated.
Because rather than searching for “the meaning of life” which could be a rather daunting task… I’ve decided to give my life purpose.
And my purpose is to explore and push my boundaries. Traveling, I allow for my walls to come down and I have no reservations. No limits. The feeling of being lost in the unknown is awakening and enlightening.
How lucky am I?
To have broken myself from the conventional… and become broken by the world.
The “Tidal” album was all extremely good. The songs just have so much emotion behind them, you can’t help but close your eyes, sing, and share her anger. This song especially has been a repeat on my playlist.
Kimya Dawson, now will always remind me of the beautiful people I met at the anarchist vineyard in Hungary. The thought of how much time has passed since then frightens me. I miss them all the time- Keiju, Ben, and Hilla.
Keiju and I were leaving Prague. Originally, I was going to go straight to Croatia but Keiju’s offer was so tempting. I couldn’t refuse. We hitchhiked our way into southern Hungary after about a day of terrible luck. We hadn’t showered in days and they had no running water or electricity at the vineyard. We had enough rain water stored to get one bath each. For the next week, we picked grapes and drank wine all day while we worked on the fields and made repairs on the house. We would pick our food from the garden and make dinner over an open fire. It became our ritual after dinner to sit around the fire on our hammocks and chairs for hours upon hours. We’d read books, ask questions, discuss, talk politics, laugh, and cry.
One night during the middle of one of our discussions Ben wanted popcorn. They remembered while walking up the giant hill, while passing other vineyards they saw a corn field. We ran through the night and Hilla jumped the fence and came back a short moment later with some dried corn husks. We walked back through the one and only graveled street that ran through the tiny village that had a population of no more than 8 people. When we got back to camp, we put the corn into the cauldron. Moments later we sprinkled a little sugar on top (German style) and voila, we had our popcorn! We laughed for hours just enjoying each others company as we played music and danced.
Not to say there weren’t any scuffles. We were all hard headed so naturally we had little fights and bickering. But those moments were so few and rare, I’m kind of glad they happened. If they had not, maybe I wouldn’t have treasured every other moment so much.
One night we walked to the little town at the foot of hill to go socialize and meet some more people other than our neighbors (who were awesome but just plain ol’ drunks). Turns out in a tiny town such as the one we found ourselves in, anyone else inside of a bar during a weekday was also a drunk. When a fight almost broke out we decided to go back home.
On our way back we decided to get off the path and go through the brush. We left well prepared with our headlamps, but we soon noticed there wasn’t any need for them- The moon was big and bright. Since we were so far from a city the moon lit every corner of the earth it seemed. We found an open field on the way up and just lay there looking at the night sky. Letting the moon and and the stars dance over us. It was breathtaking.
We lay there just knowing that we were all completely and truly happy.
My departure date kept getting pushed back when the weather went from bad to worse. One day, I dont think one minute went by when it wasn’t pouring down. We were obviously thrilled since we had been running out of water and hadn’t showered in days. However, this pretty much kept us indoors and we just ended up having the most fantastic lazy day that any of us had ever had. We all packed up our camping gear and brought it inside. And the old wooden house that had been standing for over 100 years was frail and brittle. The chill wind broke through the walls so we snuggled in our sleeping bags with one another. The rain trickled down through the old wooden beams above us, as did the light. And when the light broke into the room it was just enough to dig our noses into our books and read for hours on end. That day we spoke only a few words. But when we did speak we shared one thing in common, a smile. I realized at that moment how beautiful and significant the little things in life are.
Wow, I just fell into a wormhole thanks to this song. Brilliant.
A few months ago I had a nervous breakdown, which was triggered by a tween. Embarrassing but true. I was desperately trying to stop myself from strangling and yelling at the little shit. So naturally after 3 hours, I was freed from the family and that’s when I lost it. I didn’t go to work for a month. I felt like I couldn’t do anything during that time because any second I was going to explode.
The next few weeks I was trying to keep calm and not put myself into stressful situations. During those days I feel like I took a real good look at my life and everything that had happened to me up to that point.
I’ve done more than most people my age. That probably sounds snobby and self centered, but it’s true. Under my sleeve, I hide all these ridiculous and hilarious stories that have happened in my life. The thing is that I don’t really go around telling the world about them. I tell these stories to a select few- perhaps because I feel like I’m showing people my soul when I open up this way. What I’m trying to say is that these memories are so intimate and profound in my life- I love each and every one of them. That’s not to say everything is always positive and wonderful. I’m human. Like you, I have felt pain and loss. But those memories are also essential to my existence. They don’t make me who I am, but they are a part of me.
With so many wonderful things that have happened to me… I cant understand how I allowed myself to become this woman I no longer knew. A nervous wreck with neurotic habits. In retrospect this probably ruined a few relationships. Who had I become? I was never like this!
Then I had this revelation.
I’m too young to be uptight and neurotic. I just need to chill the fuck out!
Also, I realized that I’m sick and tired of apologizing for doing the things that I want to do. Seriously, I feel like I always have to give an explanation about something. And it’s exhausting! Quite honestly, I’ve had enough of this! I’m going to do the things that I want to do and not feel bad about it just because someone can’t find the logic behind it. I was given this life to live and damn it I’m going to live it as I please. My life will not be an apology.
Since this “awakening,” I’ve been ridiculously happy. Doing things, not because I should but because I could.
Anyways, all of this reminded me of something I saw at the SFMOMA by an artist named, William T. Wiley. At the bottom of one of his drawings he wrote something that just captured me. It made complete sense. Not because it had to, but because it just did. I loved it, and I hope you love it too.
“At some point- you just let go- just for the sheer joy of living, sharing, and being scared.”
This movie is absolutely fantastic. As someone who was teased growing up I found it insanely cute and refreshing. It’s available on Netflix! Watch it, now!
Its been a few days since I returned from San Francisco and I already miss it. Truthfully, it’s not so much that I miss the city but the memories I made there with the people that I love. There are a few that I see rather often, but others that I only see a few times a year, and those moments with them made everything worthwhile. I’m back home now and I feel like I can breathe again. No more crying. No more sadness.
A part of me is still confused. I don’t know how I managed to loose myself in something. It would be a lie to say there were never any beautiful moments, because there were many. I just never knew it was so easy to become consumed by something. But loosing myself wasn’t worth it.
I’ve regained my focus and it feels great. Also pushing myself to go out and meet people to keep busy, has worked out wonderfully. Finally, I feel like I’m crawling back into my skin and it feels amazing.
A few days ago while walking my dog I couldn’t help but catch sight of a gorgeous sunset. Out in west Texas, I’ve witnessed some amazing sunsets along the desert but not like this one. It looked like Monet had kept this piece a secret and was just now finally showing it. And all of a sudden I had this overwhelming fear that I would loose it. I started to pick up my pace. Walking faster as I headed west, my feet already knew where I was going before my I did. My dog, would stop here and there and taking his time and I began to grow more impatient knowing I’d loose it. I could almost see it vanishing when I started to run. We ran across the streets, through the yards, and I realized where I was going. As we got closer and closer I felt my heart sinking and my tears swelling because I had never seen or felt anything like this. Then we made it- A tiny park along the river that holds ruins to an old flour mill. As soon as we set foot into the park I could feel the world slow down around us and at that moment it was as if only my dog and I existed. I held those seconds in my eyes and watched the light slip away into the darkness. This rush of wonder and passion swept through me and I knew everything was going to be alright.
I love that I can say that now… you know?
“I’ve chased the sunset with my dog.”
Anyways, this song was playing throughout my short life changing ordeal. It’s amazing how the tiny moments leave the largest prints in our hearts.
Anchor's Aweigh 